The nights
When the moon
Lights up those
Normally dark streets
Are the nights
When you can find me
Wandering
Underneath the moonlight
With inspiration sprinting about
In my head
As I’m living in bliss.

Drifting in and out
Of consciousness,
Losing track of what’s
Real and what was just
A dream,
Focus is barely there.

Did I say something?

How long have I been
Gone
For?

And then my eyes
Are closed again.

It's like I'm skating

without ice.

You make him out
To be a monster of a man,
But I can prove to you
That he’s not.

Lost Dreams.

I stand
In the middle of this empty field
As my shoes become soaked by the grass.
On the sidewalk in the distance
I watch you take your final steps
Away from me,
And away from our memories.
Before you step out of sight,
You take one glance back at me
At the same time a shooting star crosses the sky.

That falling star
Carries millions of wishes
From hopeful, desperate people
That will never come true.

And as I watch that
Falling star above you,
I watch my dreams fall with it.

The First Time He Saw My Face.

The first time I presented
myself to him
while lacking makeup
I expected the worst.

He asked me
to lay down and close my eyes.
Afraid of what he might do,
and feeling self conscious,
I did anyway.

I was slightly startled when I felt
the warmth of his hand
caressing my face.

His fingers
touched each curve,
each bump,
and each imperfection
of my naked face.
He brushed and pet my eyebrows,
noticing their true color.
His fingers tickled my eyelashes
as I imagined a frown
forming upon his face
in disappointment.
He traced his fingers
along and around my lips,
memorizing their shape,
before softly kissing me.
With little pressure,
he massaged my cheeks…
and my temples,
causing me to relax.
He swiped my bangs
to the side of my face
to uncover my forehead:
a place he had never seen before,
even when buried beneath makeup.

After minutes,
he moved down to my arms,
my torso,
my legs,
my feet,
and my back,
rubbing and massaging
every inch of my body.
His fingers danced
on my body;
he used the fingernails of his
that were barely existent
to lightly run across
my beckoning skin.

And after he was done,
all I could do
was stare and smile at him,
and hope
he could read the words in my eyes:
I love you.

Come Back... Please

I must learn to move on.

When our
Supposedly romantic relationship
Dies,
I will always be the first to
Move onto another
Vulnerable person.
Yet, when it’s
Our precious friendship
That ends,
It is I
Who will forever dwell
On what was previously there.
It is I
Who freezes the day constantly
Just to reminisce
And wish so hard
For the people of the past to come back
That tears fall.

Am I the only one
Who longs
For life to rewind,
Even if only for a day,
So to say a proper goodbye?

You Were Forgotten.

Your name crosses my vision
And I have to take a second look
In order to remember
That
I used to know you.
A recent picture
Of your pretty face
With that stunning smile
I used to see everyday
Stands out among
The blurry ones
With unfamiliar people.
As memories of
Our days together
Flood my head
A pang
Of slight aching
Slowly begins in my chest
While my entire face
Droops
In sadness.

A World Without Hate

A world
without hate
is a world many long for.

Hate has been drilled
into our minds
and hearts
ever since we were children.
It has caused
emotional damage
that is beyond repair,
scarring people
and changing
their views on the human race.
Hate is often taken further,
to a physical level,
targeting specific individuals,
random strangers,
groups of people,
and people who are just
in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

Hate itself
is hated.

With the lack of
such a strong, common emotion though,
where would we be?

Most would assume
that without hate
they would be able
to walk alone in the streets
without the fear
of being attacked
for who they are
or what they’ve done.
It would be assumed
that everyone
would be friendly to each other;
no harsh, judgmental words
would be thrown at innocent people
on a daily basis
for the sole purpose
of hurting them emotionally.
And without others sending
hate towards them,
they would have no reason
to hate themselves.

But can’t you all see
that none of that is true?

Without hate
we would be without love.
Every emotion must have an opposite
in order to exist.
If there was no hate
none of us would know what love is,
because there would be no
opposite emotion
to compare love to.
The range of emotions
a person is capable of
would be lessened,
and the emotion above hate
would likely be considered
to be hate;
it would still exist.
It will always exist.

We don’t need to change
the amount of hate
in this world.
More acceptance and forgiveness
is what’s needed in this world instead.

I had a dream…

I dreamed of the day
When my skin would be flawless,
And not an ounce of unwanted fat
Would sit uselessly on my body.

I dreamed of my future career
In front of a camera.
I could show off my photographic
Body and expressions
With unique poses.
I’d be captured perfectly,
If only I were my own photographer.

I dreamed of a birthday
Full of masks.
Women in beautiful ball gowns
Swaying around a room
With handsome men in tuxedos.
I would be another
Mysterious, unknown face amongst the crowd.

I dreamed of myself
Dressing up in a gorgeous prom dress
Like no other,
With my brown hair grown long and luscious
And my face glowing with happiness.

…and it was crushed.

Moving Shadows.

Through the window
The sun’s rays shine.
Across my feet
The light hits.
To my bare eyes
The light and heat
Is unmoving,
Yet every time I look down
More shadows
Crawl over me,
Pushing the rays away
And replacing them with
The cold that comes with
A lack of sun.

Times goes by so fast,
Dragging the warmth of the summer sun
With it,
Unnoticed.

A birthday is just another day for you to get your hopes and expectations as high as the clouds, but then have them crushed into tears.

Teardrops.

The refreshment cold tears
Running down your face
Inch by inch
Gives
Is incredible;
All anger and sadness is able
To leave your body
At the same time
And through the same,
Harmless method.
Nobody knows that you’re crying
Unless they look at your hidden face,
Because the teardrops fall
Silently.
While looking at the ground
To hide your face
You can see them
Splattering on the floor
Through blurred vision.
And after the release is done
There is no trace of it left.

Eye-Opener.

You know what? I do feel sorry for you.
I feel sorry that you were weak enough to fall into her trap
And become her victim.
You were just what she was always looking for:
Someone with a good life,
Someone with potential,
Someone that’s too-nice,
And someone
Hoping for love.
You were stupid
And fell hopelessly in love with this fiend;
What a shame.
I sat back and watched her take advantage of you
And your poor soul;
The drugs she shoved down your throat,
And the classes she forced you to skip,
And the family and friends she lost you
Were all for her own entertainment.
She told you ridiculous, heart-wrenching lies
To hold your attention
And keep you by her side,
And only now does she speak the truth.
Only now do you all see what I saw all along:
A pathetic girl attempting to drag
Everyone above her
Down into her hell of a life.

A Fractured Life.

How long has it been now?
A month?
Two months, three months, six months?
A year?
…Two years?
It feels like it has been going on forever,
For my entire life.

And now,
Years later,
I look back
And realize
It was only a small fracture of my life
That I barely remember.
And then I manage a
Small laugh
At how big of a deal I made it
Back then.

The littlest things become
Magnified,
Causing panic,
Until reality kicks in
Years later
To show you
How silly you were being.

Asexuality.

Lies—
Simple one- or two-word lies
Told to hide
What I consider to be
My secret.
Is it always
The things that make you
Who you are
That you try
Desperately to keep hidden
From even the ones
Closest to you?

Am I still
In the closet
As long as I lie
And keep the truth to myself
Out of fear?
No, not out of fear—
Out of knowing that
My sexuality
Will destroy
All future relationships for me.
But I’m an actress;
Can’t I act like
I’m not asexual?
But
I am asexual.
Who In their right mind
Would want an asexual?
How many people
Can say they’ve dated one?
And how many
Of those people
Can honestly say
They enjoyed it?
So many of our beings
Are naturally sexual,
So why would one choose
Someone who is not at all?

Games.

I like the games
As long as
I’m in control.
Their
Fighting and struggling
To win
Amuse me
Knowing that there
Is no winner;
They’re just being used.

Before It's Gone.

One could easily
Take for granted
The beautiful view
Of mountains and
An ocean
Outside their window.
It’s only when
New, huge houses
Get built
To block the view
That it’s realized
They should have
Cherished what they had
Before it was gone.

No pictures were ever taken of it-
There were barely even any
Glances out the window
To admire the beautiful
View of nature.

Childhood Memories.

A splash
Of a memory
From my childhood
Arises while in the shower.

I cup my hands together
Underneath the falling water,
Gathering the warm water in my hands
Until it starts to overflow.
Then, with a sudden movement
I let it all go
And listen to the booming sound it makes
As it slams against the shower floor.
I gather the water
Once more in my hands,
But this time
Throw it up in the air
Like celebratory confetti
And feel it
Sprinkle back down on me.

Theivery.

In a world taken over by technology
It is not easy
To avoid and hide from
Cameras—
A popular electronic
Enjoyed by many
That are meant
To capture memories
In the form of pictures to keep forever.

“Photographers” are everywhere;
On the train, in the streets, at the beach,
Dying to get that perfect photo
Of those exotic flowers
Or that intriguing stranger.

When one with odd beliefs about cameras
Sees the unmistakable
Flash
Of a camera
Hit them like lightning,
Their whole world freezes
In a wave of panic
As they slowly turn their head
To spot the human
With the camera
Pointed directly at them.
The picture taken
Inches its way out of the camera—
It’s a Polaroid.
The victim of the photographer wishes
That with unfamiliar speed
He could
Run,
Snag the photo,
And disappear.
But instead
He just stands there,
Horrified,
As he fades away
With his soul.

Alone in the World.

Nobody will always be there for you.
No one is ever really there for you.

Don’t rely on others
Because in the end
You’re always alone.

Self Conscious

Standing in front of the mirror,
She paints on her mask
Of makeup
With the morning sun
Reaching through her window
To provide light.
She piles layers upon layers
Of clothing
On her body as well,
To take away her shape.
Every morning is the same.
She does what she can
To hide her real face and body
From the view of others
Because she’s afraid
Of what they will think,
And of the looks they would give her.
If it’s too ugly for her own eyes
That are used to it
To look at,
Then how would anybody else
Manage to look at her
Without giving her a look
Of disgust?
Whether or not
The colors match
Is unimportant;
All that matters
Is hiding
Her true self.
The level of begging
People do
To convince her
To show herself
Will never work;
She will always refuse
Until she is happy with what she sees.

Options.

vi. Raised high above the water,
I stand on a bridge.
I lean over the rail and look down,
Wondering what it would feel like
To fall all the way down.
Hesitantly, I step over the railing.
I take one look back at me,
At the people walking by—
Why don’t they tell me to stop?—
And jump.

How nice it feels
To finally be
Soaring through the sky,
With nothing
And no one
Holding me back.
There’s no going back
For me now;
This is it,
I’m free.

Options.

v. 40 minutes
Into the woods
I walk,
Following
The tracks of travel.
No thoughts
Occupy my mind;
I’m completely empty.
The whistle blows
From a distance,
So I ready myself;
One foot at a time,
I step onto the tracks
And plant myself there strongly.
When I see it
Round the corner,
I take a quick, deep, final breath
And squeeze shut my eyelids,
Preparing myself for
The impact.

The surprise comes, though,
When I don’t feel it;
Instead, I feel the train
Rush past me,
Only a foot away.
When did I jump off the tracks?

How much panic
Washed over the one
In the front of the train
When he realized
He could not stop?
How often
Does it happen?

Options.

iv. An unfamiliar place
With unfamiliar people,
Doing an unfamiliar thing.

I inch myself forward,
Past the line that says
“Do not pass this line,
For your own safety.”
I glance down the tunnel
And see the lights
Heading towards us all
With high speed.
If I timed it right,
I could jump.
But what would come first,
Electrocution
Or being hit?

And how many of these strangers’ minds
Would my suicide haunt?

Options.

iii. The fresh cuts on my wrist
Look like nothing.
Would I have the guts
To give myself
The final cut?
Watching the skin peel apart
As the blade swipes,
And watching the blood
Gush out…
I long to see
My blood pour out of my body
And create a puddle
On the tiled floor;
The idea intrigues me so greatly.
My vision would be filled
With such a lovely red
Before seeing black.

But how long would it be
Before someone
Realized what I was doing
And smashed through the door?
Would they think my
Puddle of blood
Is beautiful too,
Like I would?

Options.

ii. I sit cross-legged on my bed
With the pills scattered in front of me.
One, two, three at a time
I take them
Until the whole pile is gone.
Then I lay down
On that same bed
And wait.

The pain is great,
And the days seem to be months,
But if it’s the last thing I ever feel
Then it’s worth it.

Options.

i. The sun beats down,
Shooting rays of warmth and light
Towards me
And reflecting off the
Ocean waters
With hopeful sparkles.

But I imagine something else:
Grey clouds covering the entire sky,
Rapidly billowing to the west
With the strong gusts of wind
That I can’t escape.
The ocean stirs,
And waves crash
Everywhere around me.
Slowly, I bring my body closer
And closer
To the ice-cold salt water;
My soul is already there,
Drowning.
I ignore the fact
That I can no longer feel my body
Because of the cold
And continue walking
Until all I see is black
And the air in my lungs
Has been replaced by water.

And when my dead body
Sifts itself back onto the shore
Of that sandy beach…
And when that young girl
Screams
When she sees it…
And when her mother runs over
And sees it as well…
And when there’s a number of people
Crowded around my body,
Awaiting the arrival of an ambulance…
When I could have gone
Where no one would ever find my body…
Well, what can I say?
I like sandy beaches.

What Happened?

Our words
Will never be the same
As they used to be.
The choices we made
Tore us apart
Slowly,
And neither of us
Bothered to reach out
And take hold of the other’s hand
To hold us together.
We stared at each other
With sadness illuminating in our eyes
As the truth eventually
Showed its ugly face;
Our past was never real.
Everything we thought was right before
We now realize was always lies
Made for each other
To shield us from the loneliness
In our lives.
We both needed hope…
But then you found real hope
And left me
Like I never really mattered.

We’ll patch each other up though,
Right?

Hun, I Love You, But.

Keep your dreams out of the skies,
Your hopes held not-so-high,
And your eyes out for lies…
And I could give you a billion reasons for why.

Don't Lie to Me.

Despite how hard you try to hide it,
Secrets lie between us;
I can see them
Seeping into the air in front of you
And clouding around your mouth.

In the Blink of an Eye.

Through this schoolyard field I rush
And run
Trying so hard
To escape this chaos
That has so suddenly
Come about.
I silence the screams and cries
Of every living body around me,
And especially the ones that suffer,
By bringing myself elsewhere
Into a fantasy.
Here,
It’s a meadow
In which I skip
And frolic
And race through,
Sharing playful laughs
With invisible friends.
We pick flowers—
Dandelions to make wishes upon.
And we just lay in the grass,
Having ourselves a silent conversation
While cloud shapes float by.
Eventually we will go, though,
Through forest trails,
Back to our unfortunate realities.
The only thing
To transport back with me
Will be
The sound my hair makes
As the wind swishes through it,
Tangling and untangling numerous strands of curly hair
As I run.

Follow Me Into the Dark.

I wander through this maze,
Hopelessly following
Black shadows that cross my path
And disappear,
Ignoring the urgent chirps of birds
Warning me to turn the other way
And flee at my fastest speed.
But little do these noise-makers know
That it’s always shadows
That lead me to safety and comfort.

Curses.

And it’s days like these
When I wish such a curse didn’t live inside of me
And possess my being.

Leaving Home.

A good idea
It might be
To scrounge up the money
That I need.
But the “might”
Is what worries me—
Maybe I’m not ready to yet leave.

Busbusbus.

Small talk
On the bus
Doesn’t seem so awkward
When our focus is on
The unique, unmistakable sounds
Of a moving bus
And the intriguing conversations
Of others.

When There Were Butterflies,

Everything was amplified.
The colors of the world
Were brighter
And of higher contrast,
The days seemed to
Go on forever
In a neverending summer,
The constant laughs and smiles
Made life look so happy…
And the numbers were higher;
Temperatures, hours of sunlight,
And how many caterpillars there were.

Now, life is so dull;
Everything has faded
And become depressing.
Each day blends into the next,
The dread growing.
And there seems to be
Less
Of what makes life worth it;
Less butterflies
Soar through the sky
During sunny summer days.

The Things Not Mentioned.

Did I ever tell you?

I tend to keep my tendencies to myself.

Let’s just keep the past in the past.

But
Secrets
Could hurt you.

I’m sorry.

Always left with a loss of words...

I don't deserve something so pretty.

No chance to redeem yourself;
I’m gone.

Wishful Thinking

You make me wish.

On this couch
We lay.
Your body rests
Beside mine
With your legs
Beautifully entangled
With mine.
One hand of yours
Grips mine;
There, I can feel your
Struggle to stay awake.
Gently,
I tickle your sides
With the fingernails
On my free hand.
The light
Slips through the window,
Casting shadows
So that I can barely see you
With the dimness of the room,
Yet I admire you
And your features anyway.
Just above the volume
Of a whisper,
We speak to each other
With pauses
To share kisses.
Somewhere inbetween
Those moments of
Contact between our lips
The words “I love you”
Are spoken;
Not from my mouth though.
I know I cannot
Return those words to you,
For I do not yet feel that way
And don’t approve of lying
About such strong feelings.
So instead I tell you truths
Of how happy I am.

And the more laughs we share,
And the more I look at you,
And the more I hear your voice,
And the closer we get,
The more this feels like a dream…
The more you feel like a simple
Character
From a too-perfect dream.
When will it all crash down upon me?
I hope never.

Blind Eyes

I have such
Pretty eyes,
I know,
It’s such a shame to have to
Cover them
With glasses.

And it’s
Saddening to know
That one day
They won’t be able
To view the world
Any longer,
Ruined by
Blindness

All beautiful things
Are broken,
It seems.

The Reaper

Death is standing on my porch
And knocking on my door,
But I’m screaming at it,
Saying that it’s not my time yet,
And begging it
To let me finish
With what I need to do
Before I’m stolen from this world
And dragged into the deep pit
Of Hell.

Figment of My Imagination

Why is it that
Whenever I talk to you,
I feel as if
I’m talking to
Someone that’s not real…
A character from a book, perhaps.
Not because you’re perfect;
I don’t know why.
You make
Keeping my mind
In a fantasy world
Easy.

Don't Abandon Me

I no longer can feel
The tiredness in my droopy eyes,
Or the contact between my feet
And the ground they touch.
My senses are disappearing;
My soul is fighting
To get out of the body
It's trapped in.

Attached

Lace your fingers with mine
And let it be proof
That I won’t let you go.

Give Me Answers

I wait to hear the answers aloud
From others’ mouths
To the questions
I only ever asked
Inside my head.

Save Me From Insanity

I strip
And I scratch
And I cry out so silently,
Laying in my bed,
Awaiting the arrival
Of someone to
Busy my hands with theirs,
Hold my body close to theirs,
And shush my silent cries.

Panic Attack

Why is it that
I strip of my clothing
So quickly
When the times comes to change?
It’s almost as if
I am in fear
Or digust
Of them,
Anxious to rid my body
Of the clinging fabrics.

Leave My Body

May I strip away all my sins,
All my fears,
All my mistakes,
All my regrets,
My stupidity,
And all other unwanted
Aspects of me—
My life.
Just save the insanity,
Maybe.
May I strip away all
Said things
With the stripping of these clothes?
Night after night,
I’ll try.

I'm Next

My eyes always wander,
Scanning the area
For who it could be.
The thought occurred quite suddenly though,
That it could be me.

Lazy.

I have been robbed
Of all my energy.
All I can do now
Is lay here
With my eyes closed,
Unmoving,
And not to speak a word.

My Best Friend

To have truthful friends to
Tell you how bad you look, to
Show their hate for who you’re dating, to
Laugh at all hope you have for yourself, to
Have no respect for you, to
Slam your head into walls and
Push you to the ground, to
Hate you, to
Treat you like the horrible, disgusting
Monster that you are.

Just Give Up

Stop complaining,
All of you.
I’m not making you wait;
You’re choosing to.
I’m not worth the wait anyway,
So why bother?

Remember Me

When I lay here, dead,
None of this will matter anymore…
So why does it matter now
If it won’t then?
I’d rather spend time
Doing something
That people will
Remember me for.

Kiss Me

My lips are screaming out the words
“Just kiss me,”
But you don’t seem to be getting the message.

Unbalanced

In my two hands
I balance
Two people;
One person in each hand.
Although sometimes
One side outweighs the other,
Neither side ever hits the ground.
Yet,
Now that I see you
Standing in front of me,
I want to simply
Drop
The two of you that
Occupy my hands
And instead
Wrap you up in my arms
And claim you as mine.
The only problem
Is the hurt I would feel
When I would look back
And see the two I held before
Shattered on the ground
From the sudden drop.

Lucky

I sit here, smiling,
And I ask myself how I managed to
Get so lucky.

Disappointment

Every time,
I get my hopes up…
And every time,
You let me down.
But I won’t mention it
Because you’re worth too much
To me
For me to let you know
That you keep
Letting me down.

I See You, Though

some reason
I never thought of you as
A real
Person.
Only now
Am I actually seeing
That you are.
I observe
Your movements
And listen closely
For your words.
I realize that
You’re real
And really there;
Just nobody
Pays you any attention.
You do what I wish I could do;
Disappear, even though
You’re in plain sight.
Nobody knows, though,
That you’re there
And you exist.

Teach me.

But then
Your cover
Would be blown…

How tricky.

Hide Your Face

If I tilt my head down,
Draping my hair over my face
So I can’t see you,
Then maybe I’ll become lucky enough
For you to not see me either…
Because my face is
Too ugly
To be in the
Public eye.

What have I become...

Fake Emotions

Every smile is a fake
Because this happiness
Isn’t what it seems.
It almost comes with more
Sadness and tears
Than smiles and laughter.

Your happiness is fake too,
I know.

Beautiful Tears

I’m crying, and I know you’re crying too.

Tonight, I sleep in a puddle
Of a mix
Of your tears and mine
Together.

Fallen Pyramid

One minute you’re standing on top,
And the next you’re sitting on the bottom.
But you don’t know how you got there;
You just know how much you’re hurting
By being there now…
And you know you must have hit many others
On your tumble down,
Making them hurt too.

I Could Love You...

Have you ever seen a person,
Talked to a person,
Known a person,
And thought
‘I could love them.’

Goodbye, Innocence

Desperately
Stripping away innocence
So fast
With fear and disgust.

Then standing there
Naked and humiliated,
Begging for it back,
But knowing that it’s
Lost forever.

Cat Scratches

Blood rushes through my veins,
Begging to be let out.
Slight scratches penetrate through
The surface of my skin,
Making it all the more tempting
It would look natural still;
Highlights would just be added
Is all.

You're a Participant.

How long can you resist the urge,
Let’s see.
This is all just a test,
And it’s all just a game.

Bring Me to Life

In the final moments before your death
You wish a million things for yourself that you’ll never get.

I Want You Here

I stand here, speechless, watching you walk away from me.
And when you look back at me with your begging eyes,
I just look down at the ground, ashamed.

NaPoWriMo Poem #30

Liars are
What I hate,
Yet I am
One that is
Horrible for lying,
So I must hate myself.

I have the talent
To lie to ones
Who trust me
And love me
Without them
Ever knowing.
And there’s
No doubt
That
I take advantage
Of this.

I can tell lies
From truths
Normally.
I have to say
Normally
Because I
Didn’t see yours.
Your lie has hurt me
Much more than ever expected;
I won’t forget it.
I can’t help
But to think about
Your lie now
And the pain it caused me
Whenever I
Lie to somebody
I care about.
So curses to you
For causing me to feel guilt
About my talent.

NaPoWriMo Poem #29

You’re beautiful, dear,
You are.
We’ve been through hell and back together, my dear,
We have.
I followed you following me down the deep path of our well,
And we’ve done so now so many times.
I promised to be with you through this all
And forever,
And I won’t break my promise to you.
We carry each other and pull each other and help each other,
And we never stop doing so
Because we know that
Alone,
We’ll fall again.
So with you I will stand,
Holding your hand
And keeping us strong
No matter what comes our way.

NaPoWriMo Poem #28

Three…
I only have three…
Three regrets.

i. Things overwhelmed me,
Panic settled in,
Hope was lost,
And there seemed to be
No other better choice.
Although I knew that
I could not do it right,
And I knew
The consequences of my actions,
I did it anyway
Out of pure
Desperation.
Because of this
I lost the one
I needed
And loved
Most.

ii. Peer pressure is
Underrated.
Some people will do
Anything
To fit in with the rest.
Some others are just
Afraid
To lose people,
So will do what they can
To keep them,
Even if that means losing
A few
Brain cells.

iii. Why couldn’t I
Just say yes?

I got tangled up
In my own
Strings
And caught up
In my own
Game.
I fucked myself over
By trying
To fuck everyone else over.
I put too much on my plate
And dropped it,
Letting everything
Go flying
In every which direction.
I’m scrambling to
Collect it all again,
But some are lost now
For good.

I should have just said yes
And saved myself from such
Disaster.

NaPoWriMo Poem #27

Blessed with a high intelligence,
But wasted potential you are
When you act like
The rest of society;
Stupid.
Don't be so afraid to
Show what you have,
Even if it means
Losing the ones you
Hold close to you,
Because not doing so
Lost you
The most important ones
Of all.
And now you're left
Regretting your stupidity
And unable to get them back.
Rip yourself
Out of this loophole
Of stupidity
You've put yourself in
And remake yourself.

NaPoWriMo Poem #26

That
Was my pathetic attempt.
What the fuck
Happened to me?
What happened to
Who I used to be
And what I was able to do?
I’ve become a weak little bitch;
I’m susceptible to
Everyone and everything around me.
Where has my strength gone?
Have I really
Been beat upon so harshly
That I’ve become
This weak and scared?
This will be fixed.

NaPoWriMo Poem #25

I feel
So fucking
Manipulated and controlled.
I’m not used to
Being the one
Dangling on a string.
He’s got me danglin’
And doesn’t even know it.
Just like his brother
He’ll be;
And just as attached
I’ll be.

NaPoWriMo Poem #24

This is for the wishing,
And this is for the hoping.

I’ll casually pluck
Long-grown eyelashes from my eyelids
And gently place them
One-by-one
On my fingertip.
I’ll turn around to face the window,
To face the sky,
To face the moon
And the surrounding stars.
I’ll close my eyes tight
And whisper my wish inside my head;
I don’t want to scream it
Because it would hold
Less meaning to me if I did.
When I open my eyes,
I’ll blow my eyelash to the sky
With the slightest breath-blown wind.
In my imagination,
The wind carries it
All the way up into the sky
Till it hits the moon
Or its stars;
There, my wish will be
Taken into consideration.

NaPoWriMo Poem #22

I wanted to apologize,
I wanted to explain.
I went straight up to your door,
Placed my finger on the doorbell,
Then said “fuck it,”
Turned around,
And started walking home
Just as the rain poured down.

Although I wandered off
Until darkness settled in.
Drenched in cold rain,
Enough was enough;
I needed a roof.
Hopped on a bus,
Heading for home.
Stepped off back into
The blinding rain,
Ran across that street,
And bam-
Gone without a goodbye.

NaPoWriMo Poem #21

Until I am no more.

Sink my body in the ice-cold ocean
Until I am no more.
Scratch my soft skin into
A shreded, bloody mess
Until I am no more.
Let me run into the distance
Until I am no more.
Let me breathe throughout my entire life
Until I am no more.

NaPoWriMo Poem #20

I’ve been
Put under
Such a large amount
Of stress
And pressure
Lately
That it’s made me
Afraid.
All I am now
Is afraid to do
Or not to
Anything.
The fear is
Disabling me
From functioning
Properly.

NaPoWriMo Poem #19

Let’s switch bodies for a moment…
I want to be the one who’s able
To tower nearly a foot above
And wrap their long arms
Around your tiny body
In a giant teddy bear hug.
I want to embrace you
Into a warm, comforting hold.
I want to act as a
Protective shield for you.
I want you to
Bury your head in my chest.
I want to know
What all that feels like.

NaPoWriMo Poem #18

You grip my hand in yours,
Dragging me along with you
As if you’re afraid I’ll run away
If there’s a moment when you
Don’t have a hold on me.
You wrap your arm
Around my waist,
Showing all eyes
Looking in this direction
That you have me
Claimed as your own
Even though you don’t.

NaPoWriMo Poem #17

I used to
Protect you
From nightmares.
Now
I am
A nightmare.

NaPoWriMo Poem #16

When you’re walking
And you just have to
Stop
Because you don’t know how you got there.
Everybody turns around
To give you a questioning look
And tell you to hurry up,
But all you can do
Is stare at them.
Who are these people?
Why are you with them?
Where are you?
What are you doing?
And you
Don’t know.
Then everything changes…

NaPoWriMo Poem #15

From each finger of yours
Dangles a string
In which a person hangs.
You must be careful now, though
Of who you choose to be
A contestant.

Yes, that’s right,
This is all just a game.

Don’t just
Flail your fingers around aimlessly,
Because you should be afraid
Of who might latch on to your
Empty strings.
Effortlessly, you may wave them,
But keep an eye out
For which fish are grabbing on.
Knock off whoever
Poses a danger to
Your reputation or your heart.

Twirl your fingers slowly,
Wrapping up your toys;
The fragiles should be kept closest to you.
Search their bodies for
Thin strings attached elsewhere
And cut them;
They belong to you.
Give each one their
Moment of glory
By showering them with attention,
And keep their interest
With spices of affection.
Let them attach themselves
To you;
They’ll open themselves to you more
And then you’ll have access
To all that you want
To use.

Drain them,
Then cut them.

NaPoWriMo Poem #14

That monster that’s inside of you,
The one that’s attempting to devour your entire being…
I know him.
Although he did not sit in my body
The same way he sits in yours,
I am familiar enough with him
To know what he can do.
I recognize his effects on you already
And am scared.
If I had known what you were leaning into
Earlier,
I’d have warned you of this evil being
And saved you from his wicked grasps.
I don’t know what to do now, though,
Seeing as my experience with him
Was much different than yours is.
All I can do
Is sit here
And witness him
Strip you of yourself,
Praying that you’ll climb your way
Out of his grimy hands.
I fear that if I
Step too close to you,
He might crawl back into me
And torture me
As well.

NaPoWriMo Poem #13

The price to pay
For a little
Sane insanity
Is high.

Everything here
Goes in
Circles, and circles, and circles…

Sit back,
Relax,
And enjoy.
Close your eyes
And feel
Your body
Spinning and flipping,
And your stomach
Lurching
In every which way.
Open your eyes
And notice
The views
Rushing past
Your vision
With all the
Colorful, flashing lights.
The music
Pumps itself
Through your
Entire body,
Drowning out
Screams.

Spending my
Days and nights
In a place
That mirrors
The inside of my mind
Feels so nice.

NaPoWriMo Poem #12

This page
Beckons and calls me,
But all I’m able to do
Is stare blankly at it.
What can I do though
When I have nothing more to say?
The only words I have
Are too much
For this one poem;
I can’t even
Get them out of
My head
And into
Spoken or written words.
Anger blocks the way
Of words exiting my mind,
And I’m having troubles
Breaking down that barrier.

NaPoWriMo Poem #11

Spring is here
According to the calendar.
South-easterlies
And threats of snow
Tell me otherwise.
With hopes of
Warm weather
Coming soon,
I buy
Flowery dresses
So to
Take a bold step
Out of my comfort zone
When things heat up.
Nature messes with our heads
By teasing us with sun,
Then throwing at us
Cold rain and wind.
Tiny, pink flowers
Bloom from branches on
My sweet cherry tree,
Showing a clear sign that
The worst will soon be over.
Obnoxious birds
Tweet conversations
Across the sky
And flee from me
Whenever I step near them.
With such confusion
Of which season
It truly is,
I give up
On hiding inside my cloud
And instead plan out
A sunny future.

NaPoWriMo Poem #10

Warm water showers down
Upon my head,
Dripping rhythmically off my nose.
Warm water pounds at my back
Before slithering its way
Down my every body part
Until it
Comes in contact with
The tiled floor.
My fingers gently
Brush
Through my thick hair,
Washing out strawberry-scented shampoo.
The movement
Continues
At a slow, steady, trance-like pace
Without my awareness
Of it.
I place my mind elsewhere,
Losing myself
In a tornado
Of stressful thoughts.
As I focus
On the regrets I have
And my inexcusable
Stupidity,
My body reacts angrily.
Gentle fingers
Brushing through my hair
Tense up,
Speed up,
And then direct their force
Towards my skin,
Clawing
With intensity
At pale, flawless innocence.
My teeth search for
Areas inside my mouth
To rip apart;
They’re not satisfied
Until blood threatens
To choke me.

I step out of
A supposed relaxing escape
Covered in
Scratches on the outside
And holes on the inside.

Fornow

I feel so
Unsafe
Without you…

You were my happiness,
My protection…
You were the one to hold me
Close to you
And shield me,
The one to take my hand
And claim me as yours,
The one that made me feel
As if I’m not alone…

I just feel so
Naked,
Vulnerable,
Cold,
And alone
Without you
By my side.

NaPoWriMo Poem #9

I admire
What has always been
Above me:
The sky.
It’s always full
Of brilliance
For me.
With the sun
Providing Earth
With intense heat
And light,
And the moon and stars
Shining
So bright and beautiful
For me
When I need them most.

I wish that one day
I will be among
That which I admire most;
I will sparkle and shine
For you all.

NaPoWriMo Poem #8

These holes
That cover my skin
Represent
The holes
That are all over
My heart.
They’re left open
And unattended,
Bleeding.
Some holes
Get stabbed at
Too many times;
Others are only
One-shot deals.
It’s the holes
That are so lonely
And separated from the rest
That hurt the most, though;
Being stabbed at
Constantly
In one place
Allows you
To ignore the pain
Over time.

And although the holes
Heal
Physically,
They leave their marks
So I’ll never
Forget them.
And I know
They’ll be back.

I See the Sky

It hit so hard.
[I fell face first.]
I had no time
To put my hands out.
The ground
Slapped me
With such force
That I'm still
Left in a daze,
Unsure
Of where I am,
And what I
Need to do.

Farewell, Maybe.

If I leave,
Please,
Don't blame yourself
Or anybody else
For this.
It has nothing
To do
With anybody
Or anything
But myself.

Nothing will ever be enough.

It hurts...
But I know
That I deserved it.
And I still
Deserve worse.

NaPoWriMo Poem #7

Life is never worth it;
If you've been told differently,
Well,
You've been lied to.
That's no surprise, though;
Lies surround you.
You can't trust anybody,
I'm telling you;
Every honest person
Is a liar.
You're told
What you want to hear,
With faked emotions
And meaning
Behind it all.
It's kind of funny though,
Because lies
Are the worst
Things you can tell;
It's such a shame
That that's
All anybody will
Ever have
For you.

NaPoWriMo Poem #6

When it takes
So little
To destroy me,
I need
To back up.

I can't believe
A word
Spit from any mouth
Anymore.
I can't
Let anybody
Know me;
Nothing secret,
Nothing personal
Shall be known.
I can't allow
Closeness
To exist for me.

I just can't.

I will be
The one
That's there,
But so silent,
Unnoticed,
And unknown.

NaPoWriMo Poem #5

Anger builds up,
And up,
And up,
And it's all for nothing.
But there has to be release,
Because it's still there.
I'm desperate;
Any way to get rid of it
Will do.
I can't function
Properly
With such anger
Building up,
And up,
And up.

NaPoWriMo Poem #4

I can disappear too.

I can so easily
Remove myself
From the eyes
And lives
Of others,
Yet still be here.
From the shadows,
I can watch
As life goes on
Without me.
Nobody will realize
That there’s
One less person present.
Without the
Dramatized exit,
One can fade,
Hide,
Slowly
Disappear…

Just like that.

NaPoWriMo Poem #3

I use my dreams as an escape,
As many others do.
Life becomes too much
For me to bare,
So I slip away
To my most familiar place
That can shield me
From the horrors
Of the world around me.
It is there,
In my dreams,
Where I wander so freely.
Everything lies under
My control;
Nothing is able to
Catch me offguard.
Although I know
It's never real,
[It's all just fake fantasies]
I belong in this world
Of make-believe
More than I do
In reality.

I'm a dreamer
Caught up
In her own dreams;
I think
I'm meant to be
The dream,
Though.

So, if trying to escape from
My reality,
I die in my dreams,
I'll be as content as can be.

NaPoWriMo Poem #2

Time repeats itself.

Everything’s okay
At first;
Faking is easy.
I get ideas
Too easily though…
Ideas form
From the smallest of things,
And grow into the
Perfect, flawless plan;
No action is taken, though.
Little steps
Towards my goal
Are taken;
Cut by cut…
By cut, by cut, by cut…
By slice.
I cover my body
With layers of fear-
Fear that somebody
Will find out my secrets.
When the fear
And the stress
Piles up
And I become overloaded,
I know I have to hide;
I’m too much of a mess
To shield myself
If I expose myself to the public.
So I’ll sleep;
My dreams relieve me
From the reality I live,
And save me
From too-curious persons.
But the loneliness hits hard…
I’m left alone, like I asked,
Even though that’s not what I
Truly wanted.
I realize
That nobody understands…
And I wonder if my departure
Would really even matter
At this point.

NaPoWriMo Poem #1

Dancing sparks
Flitting from side to side,
Trickily dodge one another.
Slowly, they rise
Up into the
Cold air
Of a Winter night’s sky,
Glowing
Like orange and red fireflies would
Against a black, starless background.
Our comforting fire burns so bright
That the light illuminates
Out to curious eyes miles away.
Huddled around the fire
We stand,
Begging the colorful
Flames of the fire
To give us the warmth we need
To last us through till sunrise.
Our happy laughs bounce
Back to our ears,
Along with the sounds
Of our guitar and songs.
The glow of the fire
Highlights the smiles
Plastered on everyone's face.
There's just
No way
For one
To remember
Why
They were ever sad
To begin with
While they're part of this.

I'm Not Alone

Laying together
In bed,
With me comfortably
Resting my head upon
Your chest.
The sounds of
The beating of your heart
Pulsing through my ears
Mixed with the
Up-and-down motion of my head
As you
Breathe so gently
Makes it so
Easy
To doze off
Into a light sleep.
It’s so relaxing,
Calming, comforting,
And safe…
Every time
After waking up from quick naps with you,
It feels so nice
To feel your hand
Holding mine.

I'm Only Getting Worse...

I fear
That I have slowly tipped backwards
Into what I have already gone through.
I fear, though,
That this time
It's worse.

Anger boils and builds up
Beneath my skin,
Just barely hiding
From visibility.
Don't get too close to me;
Once you're able
To sense my anger,
You'll soon
See and feel it as well.
My venomous words
And movements
Will leave you with
Permanent destruction.

This experiment,
Unliked at first,
Has become more
Of a habit of mine.
The searing pain,
The dripping blood,
The irresistable itch...

It has all become
An addiction.
This feeling I get
Is fuel for me;
It keeps me going.

These
Uncontrollable tears, however,
I could do without.
No more
Water-y, smudged
Black eyeliner...
No more
Lines of tear stains
Branching out
All over my cheeks...
I've run dry of tears.
And I know I'm
Stronger than that.

These gained habits
Push this further.
It's worse this time;
It's dangerous.

Maybe some
Exploration
Will give me the confidence I need
To overcome some of this.

A little less
Food
Will help;
Beauty doesn't come easy
To me.

I fear
For myself
Now,
For this time
There is
Nobody
To help me,
To stop me,
To save me;
Only to shove me off the edge.
I'll be crying out
To no one
As I fall towards
The end.

I Don't Deserve It

I don't deserve to live.
Living amongst such beauty
Is a privilege,
Yet I don't appreciate it
Enough.
Words and actions
That cause me to
Experience happiness
Should not exist.
Put me in a
Living hell
And give away my life
To somebody
That will take good care of it.
I don't want this life anymore;
I want to live a tragedy.
I'm not a good enough person
To live a life so great
And to know such
Amazing people.
Give me what I deserve;
Death.

Never Die.

I wish for,
One day
When I am no longer breathing,
My words to be
Well-known and read
To many to come.
These words have meaning
Important for others
To know.
Each word is a puzzle piece;
Puzzle pieces
Made of my personality
And thoughts
And feelings.
But I am an impossible puzzle,
For the pieces shall never
Fit together perfectly;
It will just
Never make sense.
I am an imperfect,
Confusing person.
I am in thousands of
Puzzle pieces
Scattered all over,
Never to be finished.
Just put me back in my box
And walk away
While I collect dust
And deteriorate.