I'm Not Alone

Laying together
In bed,
With me comfortably
Resting my head upon
Your chest.
The sounds of
The beating of your heart
Pulsing through my ears
Mixed with the
Up-and-down motion of my head
As you
Breathe so gently
Makes it so
Easy
To doze off
Into a light sleep.
It’s so relaxing,
Calming, comforting,
And safe…
Every time
After waking up from quick naps with you,
It feels so nice
To feel your hand
Holding mine.

I'm Only Getting Worse...

I fear
That I have slowly tipped backwards
Into what I have already gone through.
I fear, though,
That this time
It's worse.

Anger boils and builds up
Beneath my skin,
Just barely hiding
From visibility.
Don't get too close to me;
Once you're able
To sense my anger,
You'll soon
See and feel it as well.
My venomous words
And movements
Will leave you with
Permanent destruction.

This experiment,
Unliked at first,
Has become more
Of a habit of mine.
The searing pain,
The dripping blood,
The irresistable itch...

It has all become
An addiction.
This feeling I get
Is fuel for me;
It keeps me going.

These
Uncontrollable tears, however,
I could do without.
No more
Water-y, smudged
Black eyeliner...
No more
Lines of tear stains
Branching out
All over my cheeks...
I've run dry of tears.
And I know I'm
Stronger than that.

These gained habits
Push this further.
It's worse this time;
It's dangerous.

Maybe some
Exploration
Will give me the confidence I need
To overcome some of this.

A little less
Food
Will help;
Beauty doesn't come easy
To me.

I fear
For myself
Now,
For this time
There is
Nobody
To help me,
To stop me,
To save me;
Only to shove me off the edge.
I'll be crying out
To no one
As I fall towards
The end.

I Don't Deserve It

I don't deserve to live.
Living amongst such beauty
Is a privilege,
Yet I don't appreciate it
Enough.
Words and actions
That cause me to
Experience happiness
Should not exist.
Put me in a
Living hell
And give away my life
To somebody
That will take good care of it.
I don't want this life anymore;
I want to live a tragedy.
I'm not a good enough person
To live a life so great
And to know such
Amazing people.
Give me what I deserve;
Death.

Never Die.

I wish for,
One day
When I am no longer breathing,
My words to be
Well-known and read
To many to come.
These words have meaning
Important for others
To know.
Each word is a puzzle piece;
Puzzle pieces
Made of my personality
And thoughts
And feelings.
But I am an impossible puzzle,
For the pieces shall never
Fit together perfectly;
It will just
Never make sense.
I am an imperfect,
Confusing person.
I am in thousands of
Puzzle pieces
Scattered all over,
Never to be finished.
Just put me back in my box
And walk away
While I collect dust
And deteriorate.

Love and care never disappears.

And there's that heart by his name that never truly fades away...

I keep having to remind myself he cares, because I forget.

These pockets; they hold secrets, you see. Because nobody knows the story.

All I really want is trust.

Narnia.

Surrounded by nothing but darkness
And silence.
Blinded as to where I'm going.
Narnia, I call it.
Covered in ice
This lovely Winter night.
I sit here and swing,
Alone in the dark.
I cannot feel the cold at all,
But I can hear it
Rushing past my ears
And brushing through my hair
As I go higher and higher.
I want to fly high enough
To leave.
I'll become part
Of the night sky...
Another bright star
For gazers to stare at
In awe.

Whispers all around.
No one is there;
I'm alone.
Stalked by the sound of
Venomous voices.
Although I cannot interpret
The words they speak of me,
Their whispers still string
Straight to my soul.
My legs won't carry me away fast enough
To escape the whispered words
Being whipped at me with full force.
With each slice,
My body and mind
Breaks down a little bit more.
Diminished and crumpled
Uncomfortable on the ground,
I must let failure have me.

As long as you hold on tight,
You won't be carried away by the
Rough winds...
Until you harshly
Are ripped away.
Nothing to grip onto.
You have no choice
But to let the tornado
Destroy you to pieces.

Cold air slices it's way
Through your body
At the speed of light,
And sharper than
The sharpest sword there is.
Frozen and stunned.
Feel the numb
Steal your body from you.
Only your mind and soul remains.
Frosty and icy,
Waiting.
Love can warm your heart
And help find your body
If not left for too long.

Have you ever noticed that when people meet, they tend to skip over learning the basics and try to dive straight into the deeper stuff instead?

For Christmas I wanted to give you my heart. But I couldn't because you slammed the door in my face and left my heart and I out there to freeze.

I consider myself to be emotionally strong. But I need to suck it up and quit being such a damn weak pussy when it comes to physical pain. I shy away from anything that could cause me physical damage, whether it be a hamster or moving while I'm sore... It's pathetic, really. I have to breathe in physical pain and stand up to it. Cutting makes me less weak. I suffer through the pain until it no longer hurts and I am not afraid. And I can release my anger that way as well.

Venomous.

I must learn to stop spitting out my words like venom at everybody. I have to instead be polite and patient. I throw my words like daggers sometimes, the same way I send daggers towards people through glares. I must also learn that violence is not the right way to get what I want, even though it may work well. Although subtle and no-so-physically damaging, what I do leaves scars and a bad reputation for myself.

Honestly.

I feel strength in telling the truth. It feels better than the devious feeling I get from telling lies. But lies tend to get me farther than the truth does. When I speak the truth, I become more and more alone. When I let people know me, they leave. Nobody believes me when I tell the truth, they only believe my lies.

I made a few wrong turns. I’ve led myself to the rough road to failure. I could turn around now and find my way back to the road to success… But I’m speeding down here so fast, that if I dare to try to slow down, I’m going to end up crashing. But if I continue going down it at this speed, I’m going to crash anyway. A high speed crash, which I’m heading towards, will likely end in an instant death for me… There would be no pain of having to walk back down this lonely road wounded and ruined, searching weakly for the right road; the road where I could get help and make my way to happy success. I could finally sleep and dream on forever and ever with nobody shattering it all…

Blossoming Cherry Trees.

A path that seems to go on,
And on,
And on...
Lined with blooming cherry trees.
Petals lightly floating through the sky;
Never do I see them hit the ground,
Yet there they lay.
Sun beams
Push their light through
Spreaded tree branches,
Breaking through
Into my fantasy
And touching me.
Warmth tickles my soft skin,
Bringing with it comfort
And light weight;
Light enough
To lift my feet off the ground,
Spread my wings,
And rise above
The height of the trees.
Golden clouds,
Pink skies...
A halo encircles my head.
I cover myself in white,
Flowy dresses that hug my body perfectly.
I'm free.